Superficial or Accurate?

My boss called me fat at work the other day at work. It must be worse than I thought if it's something someone who doesn't ever speak to me at all would feel the need to bring up.

Worst part is, he's a doctor so of anyone he should know right?

Self Explanatory

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bomkgXeDkE&NR=1

These are the kind of men that show interest in me, pursue me, follow me around staring creepily at me, ask me out, etc.  I think it kind of goes without saying that that's why I'm still single. 

Opposites Attract?

Today I was informed by a family friend that one of her acquaintances had asked my friend about asking me out a couple of years ago.

He and I have completely different lifestyles to put it vaguely.

All of this aside he's approximately 56 years old. And has known me since I was a small child.

I think I'm going to have to add to my list of qualities I'm looking for in a man an age limit, IQ minimum, and a certain degree of compliance with the law. I know, I know beggars can't be choosers so maybe it will only be for a trial run.

Sigh. Maybe it's time to get a fake engagement ring to wear around. Sure, then none of the normal guys will ever talk to me, but since they don't talk to me already I guess I have nothing to loose.

Stupid Questions

You know those stupid questions people ask like "When is your baby due?" to someone who is not pregnant, just fat.  Or when you ask someone how old their son is and it is actually their husband, thereby calling them old.  You know those questions that you feel really bad for asking.  

So at work the other day, one of our patient's got me confused with the other girl who works there.  This patient asked me how long I had been married now.  When I told her that I was single but she probably had me confused with another girl who had just gotten married in the last year, she looked so embarrassed.  She immediately replied, "Oh my gosh!  I'm so sorry!  I must have gotten you two confused!  I'm SO sorry!  Well, you're a sweet girl, you'll get married soon."  She was so incredibly embarrassed and felt so bad for asking what she thought was a stupid, offensive question.  Very important to note:  I couldn't care less if you just "called me single"  like calling a fat person "so fat they look pregnant".   

Is it really a put-down to be called single?  At least I was amused with her embarrassment :) 

a house is not a home...

I got asked out by a homeless man. My first concern was who would pay.

I Need A Boyfriend

Warning: This post will be void of all political correctness or sensitivity for the sake of brevity.

Today at church I was asked on a date. Great, right? WRONG. The guy who asked me out was mentally retarded. The conversation went something like this:

Him: What your name?

Me: Courtney

Him: Where you from?

Me: I grew up in California, but I just moved back from Utah.

Him: How old are you?

Me: 22

-Interlude where I talk with my friends and eat the refreshments for a while. Meanwhile I notice a few times that this guy is staring at me head on the whole time without saying a word. I don't know why, but you can always tell right before a guy asks you out, and even though I wasn't sure if he ever dated, something inside me just new he was about to ask and my stomach dropped. Finally after about 5 minutes:

Him: Are you single?

Me: Ya

Him: You wanna go on a date?

Me: m-m-may. . . be

MAYBE??? Why didn't I just say no? I'm usually a brutally honest person. Contrary to popular opinion in the minds of most women it is actually more humane and more kind to just tell a guy no if you are not interested. It hurts, but it saves him all the pain of chasing you later and that's how I like to do it.

Why did I say maybe? Well, there were a bunch of other people sitting at the table with us and I didn't want him to feel embarrassed for being rejected right in front of a bunch of people.

Anyways, he got my number and promised to call me Tuesday to see what day would work best for me after me telling him that I wasn't sure about my schedule. When he calls I'll tell him I changed my mind and I'm not interested, so hopefully that will be the end of it.

Funny story: Right after he asked me out, he went over to another girl in another group and asked her out too. However, her boyfriend, who was standing right next to her, politely refused for her.

I should have just told him I had a boyfriend. Sometimes I hate this OCD I have about being honest. It gets me into situations like this. If I actually had a boyfriend, this wouldn't be a problem.

Past My Prime

I just moved back in with my parents and started going to the single's ward here. From what I remember from the last time I tried the single's ward a couple of summers ago pretty much everyone there seemed to be in their mid forties (at least to an 18 year old it seemed that way.)

There were however, some fairly normal people the last time I went to the single's ward. They were just in town for the summer and looking for a fling. Some friends and I started talking to these 21-22 year old guys and seemed to get along pretty well for a while, until they asked us how old we were. When we told them we were 18 (which we were at the time) the reply was, "Oh, really? Wow. (pause) Well, hey, I just remembered that I have to be home for something right now, so... bye." And they left immediately.

On the other hand once your 21st birthday hits and people find out, the first question is where you are going on your mission. When you tell them you're not going on a mission right now they ask you when you are getting married. When you tell them you're single, the reply is, "Ohh. . . well then what ARE you doing?" with a look like they just found out you are an ex-convict. Now, if you say you are working on your master's or joining the peace corps to save orphans or something like that the look will fade a little bit from shock and horror to a look of mild relief. They will then reply in a non-intentionally patronizing tone, "Oh that's great! Good for you!" like they are happy you joined AA to get help for your problems and flash their diamond engagement ring as they wave goodbye.

And that's only at 21. I'm 22 now, which is absolutely beyond redemption. So you're in your prime for 2 years. Nineteen and twenty. After that, you're hopeless. Is it just me or does that seem like a little too short a period of time? Too bad I spent that whole time dating a guy who eventually dumped me because he thought I was too fat.

Maybe I can "do something good with my life" by giving motivational speeches to teenage girls with low self-esteem about how inner beauty is more important and tell them all that they will find a guy who feels that way too someday. Sure there's not a lot of money in that sort of career, but at the end of those sort of conferences they almost always feed you cake.

I think I'm getting old

To quote a smart little girl, today is mah birthday. I should be excited, or at the very least, mildly amused, but I can't get used to the idea that my next exciting birthday will be my 30th, the day my youth dies. 22 isn't old by any means, unless you happen to be Mormon like me. In Mormon years, I'm past old maid, and am slowly creeping into the territory covered by the last knight in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

This is actually me, early mornings sans concealer.

Don't get me wrong, there's a lot of perks that come with growing older. Senior citizen discounts, you can wear sparkly sweaters, bad behavior is passed off as eccentric rather than just crazy, plus I don't have to give a crap about my social life as it relates to members of the opposite sex. That's actually the reason why I'm still single today; I don't give the men in my life enough credit. Coco and I were discussing reasons food is better than men, and we came up with a pretty hefty list. For simplicities sake, here's an abbreviated version:

1. Food never forgets your birthday.

2. A delicious brownie is more warming than any hug.

3. I've never been dumped by a sandwich (if it ever happens though, I'm throwing in the towel for life).

4. A meal always follows through (get it, its a poop joke).

5. A cake never gives you the stink eye while you're eating it.

I think I just died a little... on the inside.

Completely Uninteresting

So, I have been thinking of something that I could write for a new post. . .

    

    something witty. . .

        something clever. . .

             something funny. . .

                   something cute. . .

                         something interesting. . .

But nothing comes to mind.  I'm just completely uninteresting.  

That's wh. . .    HEY!  WAKE UP!  I'm not THAT boring!  

Or maybe I am. When I pull books out at work that genuinely interest me, my co-workers ask me who assigned me to read them. 

I guess that's why I'm still single. 

   

How I Spend My Friday Nights

So, last Friday night we had a girls night

like we do EVERY Friday night. . . 

The Friday night before that

I told my friends that I thought it would be fun to go the the library and read some ancient political philosophy. . .  

I thought it would be fun  [and still think so : )]

The Friday night before that

I went to a middle schoolers' dance party to ride on the water slides and got rained out of the outdoor party 

after realizing that the 13 year old girls in attendance were all better at doing there hair and make-up, finding cuter clothes, flirting with boys, and even in their pubescent state, would be infinitely more likely to make it onto the front cover of Seventeen magazine in a bikini than myself

That's why I'm still single.

The mustachioed menace

Something about a man with facial hair really gets me going... I'd like to think that maybe it's my way of rebelling against the prepubescent man-boy male stereotype I so fondly remember lusting after in the 90s.

MMMMMM... That's some kind of man.

  

The problem isn't finding a man with something growing on his face, because heaven knows there's a surplus of guys with chin straps (or as I like to call them "Douche Stripes"). Or guys with a soul patch... which should really be called the sole patch instead (because, really, who wants to date someone with hair that looks like nesting hamster babies.) 

My problem is finding a man that with accept my facial hair in all of its glory. Ok, my mustache might be a stick on, but I've grown accustomed to it. Nothing brightens up a day like a a french pencil line, or a Clark Gable. 

Pictured: "The Gentleman Caller" 

The way I see it, men should just be glad that it's not a real one, meaning I wax even though the hairs are blond. I hate to have my chin whiskers glistening in the sunlight.

True story, bleaching isn't invisibility cream.

My love of all things mustache is part of what makes me... me. And I'm pretty sure its darn sexy, well, at least not Quasimodo-esq.

L-O-V-E

By Raven

Coming from a girl who believes in movie love, but not love for herself I have realized that you don't need love. When I was in class the other day, our professor challenged (challenge, what a wimpy word) to write about what we would believe love looks like in the other partner. Here are a few signs that I have seen from friends when they bring love back into style.

The definition is much debated, and the reality varies, depending upon where you are in your relationship. For example, love when you're walking down the aisle to exchange your "I Do's" is pretty different from the love you share when you're celebrating your hard-won, 50-year anniversary.

The thing is, many of us aren't even close to the proposal phase, let alone wedding or golden anniversary. What we want to know is: Does he like me? Does he really like me? Here's how to tell he's smitten.

1. He talks you up to all his friends. If you're meeting his friends for the first time and they already know your entire life history -- not to mention your favorite movie, ice cream flavor, and guilty pleasure song -- chances are he's hooked on you, and has probably been suffering major harassment at the hands of his buddies in the name of love. (Yeah, he's totally whipped.)

2. He enjoys doing the most mundane activities with you. Laundry. Running errands. Napping. Shoe shopping. Congratulations, you're the most boring couple ever. (Kidding!) But when he acts like the most routine, everyday activities are confetti-filled barrels of fun -- because you're doing them together -- there's definitely something there.

3. He'd rather talk to you than watch the latest episode of "24"... at least for now. If he shuts down his BlackBerry, Xbox, or most recently scheduled World of Warcraft raid so that he can give you his undivided attention, don't doubt his devotion. Most women would kill to command that sort of attention at later points in their relationships.

4. He's not afraid to say, "I love you." In fact, he willingly says it in front of both friends and family, and doesn't balk at PDAs either.

5. He misses you. Always. He texts and/or emails regularly to say that he was "thinking about you" or "just wanted to say hi." Even a "hey, what's up?" speaks to the depths of the pain he feels when you're not around. And if he can't let a day go by without a phone chat? You're gonna have a tough time getting rid of this one.

6. He takes it for granted that you have a future together. He says "we" instead of "I" and talks about your future together as if it's a given. "When you meet my sister you'll see what I mean" or "My birthday was boring this year. We'll have to do something fun next year." He may not have mentioned marriage, but he's definitely thinking long-term.

7. He goes the extra mile. He surprises you with candy buttons because he knows they're your fave. He puts gas in your car or unloads the dishwasher, completely unsolicited. They're not grand gestures, but he's making an obvious attempt to do something special for you. Men and women speak different languages when it comes to romance, but when he does something nice for you without being asked, he's trying. And that speaks volumes.

8. He can't get over how beautiful you are. If you keep catching him sneaking peeks at you from across the room, he's totally a goner.

9. He picks you over the boys. His friends are hitting up the local nightclub? Well... he'd rather spend the night in with you and your latest Netflix picks. They're going to see his favorite basketball team? Well... hmm... lemme think about... what!? Of course I'd rather spend time with you, honey. Yes, he's smitten.

10. He's willing to be a total mush. As evidenced by the mixed CD he made for your "month-aversary," complete with cutesy album title and hand-drawn cover art, and accompanied by a carefully chosen card containing five long paragraphs on why he's grateful you're a part of his life.

Reasons why TODAY I am still single.

Reasons why TODAY I am still single.

• I go everywhere with my i-pod on
• I am constantly chatting on my cell phone in public
• I won't make eye contact while walking or I walk looking at the ground
• I respond in a rude or mean way, whenever someone tries to talk to you
• I go out to social events surrounded by 8 girlfriends, I  don't flirt, don't return calls, etc. 
• You consider your job a healthy relationship